Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
