A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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