You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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