I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
