You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
