I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
