Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I did not marry a roomba.
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