Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
