So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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