i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
