My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
