Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
