that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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