it wasn't lemon gatorade
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
