my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
