I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
