I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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