I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
