Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
