Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
