I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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