I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
