I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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