he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
