I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize