i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize