I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
