Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
