I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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