I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
