I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
