i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
