When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
