I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
