I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
