I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
