I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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