i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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