i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
