I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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