ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
