Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
