Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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