I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
