What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
