Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
