You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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