i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
