a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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