Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
