please come you make the beer taste better
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
